It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
