It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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