I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
