it wasn't lemon gatorade
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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