meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
