Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
