I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
