Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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