I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
