at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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