nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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