my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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