I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
