You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
