Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
