Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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