im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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