I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
