Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
