this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
