3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
