I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
