woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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