why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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