I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
