i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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