come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
