whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
