Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He better not be in your backpack
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
