Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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