all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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