I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Randomize
