so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
