I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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