Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
