How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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