Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
