turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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