You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
