The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
