And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
