Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
