Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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