I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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