I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
