I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
