First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
