I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
