Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
