I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
