She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
